Lord of the Holy Grail
by Ladyofthewoodhomiefoo
Summary: Ok..so this is how it goes: A bunch of the Fellowship of the Ring people end up in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, how will King Arthur survive with his abnoxious gang of new knights and one other equally annoying and mysterious character. COMPLETED!
1. Coconuts

*coconuts banging in the distance*  
King Arthur holds up his hand pretending to ride a horse. "Whoa!"  
Aragorn pops out from behind a tree. "Dude, gimme the coconuts."  
"Why should I?! Huh? Huh?" screamed Arthur in rage.  
"You need a horse." Replied Aragorn in a cool tone.  
"You are brave sir knight! Would you join me at my Court at Camelot?" asked  
Arthur proudly.  
"Camelot?!" said Aragorn while bursting out laughing.  
"That is where I live. I am Arthur, Son of Uther Pendragon, defeater of the  
Saxons, the sovereign of all England!" said Arthur proudly.  
"I'm king of Gondor," replied Aragorn.  
"Then I give you my loyalty. Have you brought any knights with you?" asked  
Arthur with a curious look.  
"I will join your court at Camelot," Aragorn replied.  
"You will? Oh good! Come patsy!" Arthur said happily  
Aragorn looked at Arthur gravely. "I cannot stay for long though.  
"What do you mean milord Aragorn?" asked Arthur in disarray.  
"Well, I can't stay that long because I have some knights and people that  
are going to stay with you while I'm in Gondor. They will tell me  
everything that happens in your pathetic kingdom that you for now call  
"Camelot"," said Aragorn smugly.  
"That was long, boring, and pointless," said Arthur with a puzzled look on  
his face.  
"You want me to be more specific?" asked Aragorn Cooley.  
"That would be well, helpful," said Arthur in an unsure tone.  
"Just go and look for your little knights and I will watch. Then, when you  
have all the knights of your round table, including me, then I will return  
to Middle Earth, leaving you with two to four of my trusty knights. I can't  
really decide which ones I want to give you though," said Aragorn in an odd  
tone.  
"That was a little bit more specific," squeaked Arthur.  
"Yeah, whatever. By the way, where did you get the coconuts?" asked Aragorn  
suddenly.  
"I found them," replied Arthur  
"You found them? Where?" inquired Aragorn.  
"In Mercia," replied Arthur coldly. "Would you stop asking me these stupid  
questions.  
"Coconuts are tropical," said Aragorn  
"So," replied Arthur.  
"This is a temperate zone. Coconuts are tropical," replied Aragorn.  
"Oh no! Not this!" screamed Arthur in a frightened voice.  
"How could a coconut get here if it is tropical?" asked Aragorn.  
"The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plumber  
may seek warmer climates in winter, yet these are not strangers to our  
land," replied Arthur.  
"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?" asked Aragorn with a stern look.  
"Not at all! They could be carried," replied Arthur with no trace of doubt  
in his voice.  
"What? A swallow carrying a coconut?" asked Aragorn.  
"It could grip it by the husk," replied Arthur.  
"It's not a matter of where it grips it, it's a matter of weight ratios. A  
five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut," replied Aragorn in a  
logical tone.  
"Well it doesn't matter. We should probably start riding instead of sitting  
here in front of this castle with equally obsessed coconut men in it," said  
Arthur in a bored tone.  
"Listen, in order to maintain air speed velocity, a sparrow needs to beat  
its wings forty-three times every second, right?" asked Aragorn.  
"Please!" screamed Arthur in anger.  
"Am I right?" asked Aragorn.  
"I'm not interested!" screamed Arthur even louder.  
Narrator: Suddenly a man slightly taller to Arthur jumps out from behind  
Aragorn. Ok, he's a lot taller than Arthur.  
"It could be carried by an African Swallow," said the man.  
"Who the heck are you?!" screamed Arthur in rage.  
"Oh, sorry, I'm Legolas, of the Woodland realm," said the man  
intently.  
"You are tall for a man," replied Arthur curiously.  
"That's because I'm not a man. I am an elf. Did you not hear  
"Of the Woodland Realm?" Anyways, Aragorn as you were saying," said Legolas  
intently.  
"Oh yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European  
swallow, that's my point," said Aragorn.  
"Oh yeah, I agree with that," replied Legolas.  
"Can we please get going? Do you want me to make you a  
knight of my round table too? Will that make you leave me alone?" asked  
Arthur in a pleading tone.  
"I wanna be a knight!" screamed Legolas happily.  
"Fine, I dub thee sir Legolas of Camelot," said Arthur in a  
bored tone.  
"But then of course African swallows are not migratory,"  
said Aragorn while looking up at the large castle that they had been  
standing in front of pointlessly for hours.  
"Oh yeah...," replied Legolas.  
"So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway," said  
Aragorn.  
"Can we please get going?" pleaded Arthur.  
"We have to finish our conversation," Aragorn said while  
giving him a cross look.  
"Why can't you walk and talk at the same time?" asked  
Arthur in a pleading tone.  
"Oh yeah, I forgot we could do that," Aragorn said  
shamefully.  
"As I was saying, suppose two swallows carried it  
together?" asked Legolas.  
"No, they'd have to have it on a line," replied Aragorn.  
"This is hopeless!" screamed Arthur.  
Narrator: So Arthur dragged Aragorn and Legolas after him.  
"Well simple, they could just use a strand of creeper!"  
exclaimed Legolas as he was being dragged along.  
"Would you shut up?!" screamed Arthur.  
"What, held under the dorsal feathers?" asked Aragorn.  
"Well why not?" Legolas asked happily.  
"This is insane! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Arthur exclaimed. 


	2. Bring out your dead!

Narrator: Now we see a bunch of peasants rolling around in crap.  
"Bring out your dead!" "Bring out your dead!" "Bring out your dead!"  
"Here's one," a man said as he brought out a body slung over his  
shoulder.  
"I'm not dead!" the dead man exclaimed.  
"Here, he says he's not dead!" exclaimed the mortician in a hoarse voice.  
"Yes he is," replied the customer.  
"I'm not!" said the dead man in angst. The Dead man lifted his head to see  
the mortician eying him suspiciously. He lifted his hand slightly and smack  
the man who was carrying him in the head.  
"You just want to get rid of me you freak!" exclaimed the dead man.  
"He'll be dead soon, he's very ill," said the costumer while rubbing his  
head.  
"I'm getting better!" exclaimed the dead man.  
"No your not, you'll be stone dead in a moment," the costumer said harshly.  
"I can't take him, its against regulations," replied the mortician. He  
stared hard at the dead man to see it in fact his eyes were playing tricks  
on him. When he was convinced they weren't he turned back to his customer.  
"When's your next round?" asked the customer.  
"Thursday," the mortician said half heartedly. He looked at the customer.  
The customer looked so desperate to him.  
"Isn't there something you can do?" asked the customer warily "This dude is  
getting heavy."  
"I don't want to go in the cart!" the dead man screamed unhappily.  
"Don't be such a baby!" exclaimed the now very frustrated customer. He  
wiggled the dead man slightly to take some of the weight off of one of his  
shoulders.  
"I feel fine!" said the dead man trying to act happy and well.  
"I really can't take him like this mate," said the mortician once again.  
"Oh do us a favor!" pleaded the customer. His eyes were starting to water  
under the weight of the "dead man". The mortician looked at him sadly.  
"I think I'll go for a walk," the dead man said happily.  
"You're not fooling anyone!" exclaimed the customer angrily.  
"I can't do it," said the mortician sadly. He gazed into the face of the  
customer. His eyes were burning red. "Maybe I can do something." He looked  
around briefly and took his beater in the air.  
"I feel happy...I feel happy...oof!" exclaimed the dead man as he was hit with  
the morticians beater.  
"Thank you!" the customer exclaimed happily.  
"See you Thursday then!" the mortician said happily.  
"Right," the customer answered.  
Just then Arthur, Aragorn and Legolas rode by.  
"Who's that then?" the mortician asked in a very curious tone.  
"I don't know," the customer said as if he was in a trance.  
He watched after Arthur with an admiring look.  
"Must be a king," the mortician said while breaking the  
silence.  
"Why?" the customer asked.  
"He hasn't got crap all over him," the mortician replied in a  
rigid tone.  
Legolas turned his head briefly and looked at the mortician and the  
customer.  
"Hi!" Legolas said happily. The mortician and the customer glared at him  
with menacing eyes.  
"I guess you don't want to talk then."  
"Come on Leggy," said Aragorn with a smirk.  
"Oh lay off," said Arthur. He had been irritated with them ever since he  
knighted the second one. 'What was the second ones name again?' he thought  
to himself. He looked menacingly at Aragorn.  
"Anyways, a European swallow couldn't carry a coconut," said Aragorn who  
was now avoiding the look of Arthur.  
"Yes, but a turkey could carry it," said Legolas casually.  
"True, but turkeys can't fly that far, and they aren't migratory," said  
Aragorn.  
"Oh yeah, well a dove could perhaps carry one, or maybe a pigeon," said  
Legolas in deep thought.  
Narrator: So Arthur rode far into the peasant lands. This section will be  
seen in the next chapter. 


	3. Constitutional peasants

Arthur, Aragorn and Legolas rode, (with coconuts) out to peasant lands.  
  
"Hi peasants!" cried Legolas.  
  
"Shut up! You think they like being peasants?" Arthur bellowed. He absolutely hated Legolas and his annoying questions.  
  
"Are we there yet?" asked Legolas. This had been his question the whole trip.  
  
"Where are we going anyway?" inquired Aragorn. He was really starting to miss Arwen who was actually enjoying being without Aragorn because of his annoying questions and continuous pleadings.  
  
"Nowhere!" screamed Arthur harshly. 'Stupid Outsiders. Who do they think they are as to be able to annoy Arthur King of the Britons and Sovereign of all England? Why were they always conversing about coconuts?' Arthur thought to himself.  
  
"Anyways, coconuts could be carried by a variety of birds," Arthur heard Legolas say.  
  
"Well there aren't that many varieties of birds here who are migratory and that are actually big enough to carry a coconut," replied Aragorn.  
  
"Would you shut up?" Arthur pleaded in angst.  
  
"You didn't honestly think you could tell the king of Gondor to shut up?" asked Aragorn angrily.  
  
"I've been doing it the whole trip you idiot!" screamed Arthur. He was now very irritated by Aragorn.  
  
"Oh," replied Aragorn. "I'm terribly sorry."  
  
"Whatever, just shut up," Arthur replied. He turned his head and saw a peasant pulling a cart.  
  
"Old woman!" Arthur called.  
  
"Man!" the man called angrily back.  
  
"Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?" asked Arthur in an apologetic tone as he pointed to the large stone castle.  
  
"I'm thirty-seven," the man replied in an irritated tone.  
  
"What?" Arthur asked with a puzzled look.  
  
"I'm thirty-seven—I'm not old!" the man exclaimed angrily.  
  
"Well I can't just call you man," Arthur replied as he glanced toward Aragorn and Legolas who were just as confused as him.  
  
"Well you could say Dennis," the man replied hastily. He turned around and glared at Arthur.  
  
"Well I didn't know you were called Dennis," replied Arthur in a frustrated tone. He knew he wasn't getting anywhere.  
  
"Well you didn't bother to find out did you?" asked the man with fire in his eyes. He clearly intended on taunting Arthur.  
  
"Well I did say sorry about the old woman, but from behind you looked..." replied Arthur. He looked at the man with a strange look.  
  
"What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior," stated the man with a snort.  
  
"Well I am king," said Arthur in a half proud half annoyed tone.  
  
"Oh king eh? Very nice, how did you get that then? By exploiting the workers of...," Dennis said just before Arthur cut him off.  
  
"Listen I don't want to talk to you," Arthur said annoyed.  
  
"Dennis! There's some lovely filth down...oh how d' you do?" asked a women who was rolling around in some mud.  
  
"How do you do good lady, I am Arthur king of the Britons, who lived in that castle over there?" asked Arthur proudly.  
  
"King of the who?" the woman asked sheepishly.  
  
"The Britons," Arthur replied proudly.  
  
"Who are the Britons?" asked the lady angrily.  
  
"Yes, who are the Britons?" asked Legolas innocently.  
  
"Would you shut up?" Arthur asked angrily.  
  
"No, I really want to know who the Britons are," replied Legolas. He put on an annoying smile and made a face at Arthur.  
  
"Well, we all are the Britons, except for Legolas, and I am your king!" exclaimed Arthur.  
  
"I didn't know we had a king," said that lady in a strange tone. She glared at Arthur from behind her cloak.  
  
"Yeah, I didn't know we had a king either!" exclaimed Legolas.  
  
"That's because you don't you dunce!" yelled Aragorn.  
  
"I thought we were an autonomous collective," the lady replied in an annoyed voice.  
  
"You're fooling yourself," replied Dennis. "We are a dictatorship, a self perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes..."  
  
"There you go bringing class into this again," retorted the woman angrily.  
  
"Would you shut up?!" asked a little but strong voice from behind Aragorn.  
  
"What?" the woman screamed angrily.  
  
"Aragorn, do you keep people in your pants?" asked Arthur quizzically.  
  
"Um...yes," replied Aragorn guiltily.  
  
Arthur shrugged and then turned to the peasants that were fighting. "Please good people, I am in hast. Who lives in that castle over there?" he asked.  
  
"No one lives there," the woman replied in a harsh voice.  
  
"Then who is your lord?" asked Arthur with a perplexed look on his face.  
  
"We don't have a lord," the woman said in an irritated voice.  
  
"What?" asked Arthur in a very puzzled voice. This was very confusing to him. He had not known of a society that did not have a knight before.  
  
"I told you, we're an autonomous collective, we take it in turns as the executive of the week," Dennis said hotly.  
  
"Yes," Arthur said irritated.  
  
"But the decisions of the officer have to be ratified by a biweekly meeting," replied Dennis.  
  
"Yes I see," said Arthur who was very very annoyed now.  
  
"By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs," said Dennis pushing even further.  
  
"Be quiet!" yelled Arthur who was now so irritated that he had shaken patsy till he dropped the coconuts.  
  
"By two thirds of the majority in the case of..." Dennis said as Arthur cut him off.  
  
"Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!" cried Arthur in anger.  
  
"Order eh, who does he think he is?" asked the lady tartly.  
  
"I am your king!" screamed Arthur in rage.  
  
"Well I didn't vote for you," the women replied.  
  
"Neither did I!" screamed Legolas in rage. Of course by now everyone was ignoring Legolas.  
  
"Can we please get on with it?" asked the little voice again.  
  
"Who is that?!" cried Arthur in alarm.  
  
"Oh sorry, I'm Frodo Baggins of the Shire," said Frodo.  
  
"You are small for a man," replied Arthur while taking a break from arguing with the constitutional peasants.  
  
"That's because I'm not a man," replied Frodo.  
  
"Then what are you?" asked Arthur in alarm.  
  
"Didn't you hear "Of the Shire?" I'm a hobbit," replied Frodo.  
  
"Oh," replied Arthur. "Anyways, you don't vote for kings!" exclaimed Arthur in rage.  
  
"Then how'd you become king?" asked the woman.  
  
"The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king!" replied Arthur in great brilliance and power.  
  
"Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony," replied Dennis.  
  
"Be quiet!" Arthur exclaimed.  
  
"Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!" exclaimed Dennis.  
  
"Shut up," screamed Arthur who was becoming a bit paranoid from all the arguing he had been doing in the last few chapters.  
  
"I mean if I went around saying I was emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!" cried Dennis.  
  
"Shut up! Will you shut up?!" screamed Arthur as he walked toward Dennis angrily.  
  
"Oh, now we see the violence inherit in the system!" cried Dennis.  
  
"Shut up!" screamed Arthur as he picked up Dennis and began to shake him.  
  
"Oh! Come and see the violence inherit in the system! HELP, HELP! I'm being repressed!" cried Dennis as Arthur shook him.  
  
"Bloody Peasant!" Arthur cried as he walked away. "Come on guys lets go."  
  
"Oh, what a give away. Did you here that did you here that, eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn't you?" cried Dennis to the crowd that had now formed around him and shielded him from seeing Arthur leave.  
  
Tune in to the next chapter for the village scene! Whoa! 


	4. The Black Knight

Writer: Hey...I lied...on accident, I meant to say that the next chapter was the Black Knight...Sorry!  
  
We see a knight clad in black beating the crap out of a knight clad in green.  
  
"You fight with the strength of many men sir knight!" said Arthur proudly to the knight.  
  
"That's what he wants you to think!" shouted Legolas who was now quite out of control.  
  
"Legolas...calm down before you hurt yourself!" said Frodo with a shadow on his face. He looked around nervously.  
  
"I am Arthur, King of the Britons!" exclaimed Arthur in frustration. He was getting nowhere with this knight.  
  
The knight stood there looking at Arthur. He said nothing, but stood prominently in front of a bridge.  
  
"I seek the finest knights to join me in my court at Camelot!" exclaimed Arthur again feeling that he wasn't quite getting through to the knight.  
  
"So...we're not good enough for you eh?!" screamed Legolas madly as Frodo and Aragorn held him back.  
  
"Geeze...what a freak...anyways, you have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?" asked Arthur as he glared toward Legolas.  
  
The knight paused. He still looked straight at Arthur.  
  
"You make me sad, so be it...come on patsy and you other people," said Arthur miserably.  
  
"You make us all sad!" cried Legolas.  
  
"You made poor Legolas cry!" exclaimed Aragorn," and it usually takes a bar of ruined soap or dirt to do that!"  
  
"Oh blah blah your needs!" shouted Arthur. "I've got my own problems!"  
  
"None shall pass!" exclaimed the Black Knight.  
  
"I have no quarrel with you good sir knight, but I must cross this bridge!" exclaimed Arthur boldly.  
  
"Then you shall die," said the knight calmly.  
  
"I command you as king of the Britons to stand aside!" cried Arthur in the most commanding voice that some there had ever heard.  
  
"I move...for no man," said the knight prominently.  
  
"So be it!" cried Arthur as he engaged battle with the black knight. After some time of fighting Arthur managed to cut the Black Knights left arm off. "Now stand aside worthy adversary!"  
  
"Tis but a scratch" said the knight shrugging it off.  
  
"Your arms off!" exclaimed Aragorn from somewhere in the bushes where he and the others had hidden.  
  
"Hey! That was my line!" screamed Arthur.  
  
"You snooze you lose!" said Aragorn from somewhere else.  
"No it isn't!" exclaimed the knight boldly.  
"Then what's that then?" asked Aragorn as he popped out of the bushes holding Anduril high above his head.  
"I've had worse!" said the knight tauntingly.  
"You liar!" yelled Aragorn. He began to laugh at the silliness of this place called Camelot or whatever it was called, he couldn't remember. Seeing his laughter the Black Knight took up his sword and ran toward Aragorn.  
"Come on you pansy!" the Black Knight shouted angrily. He and Aragorn engaged in some battle until Aragorn cut the Black Knight's right arm off.  
"Ha! In your face!" screamed Aragorn happily.  
"We thank the lord that in thy merc-"said Arthur as he bent down to pray. He was rudely interrupted by the Black Knight kicking him in the head.  
"Come on then," said the Black Knight.  
"What?!" asked Arthur unhappily.  
"Have at you!" screamed the knight.  
"Here we are somewhere in the forest, I'm kneeling down and praying while your fighting with that other loon and all of a sudden you come up and kick me for no reason! Are you a heretic or something?!" screamed Arthur insanely.  
"Um...That's not what you were supposed to say," said the Black Knight wearily.  
"I don't friggin give a care what I'm supposed to be saying, because quite frankly I've had enough of these people from Central Earth or whatever its called! I am sick and tired of the long hours of low pay and if you think that winning this stupid fight with this bastard of a knight is going to help your all friggin mistaken! So why don't you just go jump off a cliff you idiot people from Middle Earth or whatever! Just leave me alone!" screamed Arthur. "Oh, and by the way! You are indeed brave sir knight, but the fight is mine!"  
"Oh had enough eh?!" asked the Black Knight tauntingly.  
"Look you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!" screamed Arthur in the most heated voice.  
"Yes I have!" said the knight triumphantly.  
"Look!" yelled Arthur. It looked as if Arthur was about to explode he was so mad.  
"Just a flesh wound!" said the knight as he heat butted Arthur in the chest.  
"Look stop that!" exclaimed Arthur.  
"Chicken! Chicken!" taunted the knight.  
"Look, I'll have your leg!" exclaimed Arthur as he chopped of the Black Knights leg.  
"Right, I'll do you for that!" screamed the Black Knight angrily.  
"You'll what?!" asked Arthur in a surprised tone.  
"Come ere'!" yelled the knight.  
"What are you going to do, bleed on me?" asked Arthur in a very quizzical tone.  
"I'm invincible!" yelled the knight in a crazed tone.  
"You're a loony," said Arthur.  
"The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on!" screamed the knight crazily. As he said this Arthur grabbed his sword Excalibur and chopped off the knights other leg.  
"Alright, we'll call it a draw," said Arthur as he put his sword back in its scabbard. "Come Patsy and you other people."  
"Oh, oh, I see running away then. You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!" called the Black Knight as the company rode away.  
  
Writer: Well that's it for ch 4! Hope you liked it I'll have ch5 up ASAP! 


	5. A witch! A witch! And some other stuff!

A crowd of people stood shouting and yelling as two villigers dragged a women in a white dressing gown out of a house. She was thin and pale and scared to death. She had no idea why they had chosen her to pick on. She wasn't a witch, and most of the villagers knew that. They had come early that morning and placed a tin can on her head and attached a carrot to her face.  
  
"Witch! Witch! Burn her!" screamed a villager. He grabbed the girl and thrust her infront of the lord of the town, Bedevere.  
  
"How do you know she is a witch?" asked Bedevere to the angry crowd.

"She looks like one!" yelled the crowd.

"I'm not a witch I'm not a witch!" cried the poor depressed girl. She turned to see some people galloping in on coconut horses.  
  
Meanwhile with Arthur

"I'm really bored," said Legolas. He twitched his eye a little bit to show how bored he was.

"I miss Arwen," said Aragorn with tears in his eyes.

"I want to go to the Gray Havens!" cried Frodo.

"I wish all you freaks would disappear!" yelled Arthur miserably.

"That's not very nice," said a voice from behind them. All four of them turned around so fast that they lost their balance. There before them stood a man clad in ragged clothes and dreadlocks. He had a captains hat on and he stood proud before them.

"Hey! You're captain Jack Sparrow!" yelled Legolas in excitement.

"Don't I know you?" asked Jack.

"Um...sure!" said Legolas excitedly.

"You're right! You're the eunich boy Will!" exclaimed Jack happily.

"Um..." Legolas said with a blink.

"What happened to Elizabeth and your sexy blacksmith look? I should like to know cause I don't dig you as much this way," said Jack with a mischievous grin on his face. Legolas backed into Aragorn because of the growing fear that the captain Jack Sparrow he had admired for years even though he was really dirty might be gay.

"Watch it pervert!" yelled Aragorn as Legolas gave him a lap dance on accident. Legolas had backed so far into Aragorn had he had knocked him over and had managed to sit on top of him moving back and forth.

"That's just wrong!" exclaimed Frodo as he shielded his eyes.

"I didn't do it on purpose!" yelled Legolas. "I have fan girls you know!"

"Hey! Aren't you Frodo Baggins?" asked Jack with a pleasurable smile. Frodo looked at him with a scared look and attempted to run away, but instead tripped over Legolas and Aragorn and fell on top of them.

"What is wrong with you people?" asked Jack in terror. "I am not gay, just a little drunk." Aragorn looked at him suspiciously and turned to talk with his companions.

"Should we trust him?" asked Aragorn unhappily.

"Yes! He is my hero!" exclaimed Legolas happily.

"Dude...he just said he loved you! Doesn't that scare you?" asked Frodo.

"Sorta," said Legolas in a hurt voice. "Can we go now? I really wanna ask the Bedevere guy to be in my court at Camelot! He just convicted another witch with his witch catching powers!" exclaimed Arthur excitedly.  
"He's right, we should get to Camelot," said Aragorn sternly.  
"That's not what I meant!" exclaimed Arthur. "And let me see now your gonna want me to make this guy a knight of the round table! Right?" The others nodded shamefully.  
"Fine then I will! You are now Sir Captain Jack Sparrow!" screamed Arthur crazily.  
"Cool!" said Jack happily. And so it was the knights of the round table, Sir King Aragorn the cool, sir Frodo the short, Sir Legolas the insane, and sir Captain Jack Sparrow the drunk.  
  
Writer: did you people like it?! Okay anyways review! I'll have ch6 up soon.


	6. Camelot!

Aragorn looked around the landscape of this land called Camelot. "So you call this place Camelot?" he asked.  
  
"Sure," said Arthur unenthusiastically as he trudged along the path. He was getting so tired of these freaks from Middle Earth, and this "King" Aragorn, who did he think he was? Trying to boss him around.  
  
Meanwhile with Sir Captain Jack Sparrow and Sir Frodo.  
  
"Well this is all fine, did you know that the French invented mayonnaise? I think mayo is the best thing that ever happened to this world other than the French. I mean you can put that stuff on anything, sandwiches, food, stuff that isn't food, all that stuff," said Jack. He was having a lot of fun with the rest of the gang of people he was hanging out with and couldn't believe why they were in such bad humor.  
  
"Well I'm not one to talk about your basic food groups, but...Mayo is a type of condiment that goes well with your basic vegetables such as tomatoes, lettuce, and cucumbers, and then it also goes well with dairy products such as cheese and I like it with milk. It can also go well with other condiments such as horseradish, ketchup, mustard, and relish. Mayo is also really good on meat in a bun, called a beefburger, I named it myself. I also love mayo on sandwiches and things like that, but I only take miricle whip because I have become allergic to mayonnaise," said Frodo.  
  
Jack looked at him suspiciously, "How do you know so much about mayonnaise?"  
  
"I took mayology in college, and I majored in your regular foodology," replied Frodo proudly. He pulled out his certificate of foodology and waved it in Jack's face. Jack snatched it and examined it more closely.  
  
"You carry this around?" Jack asked while leaning a bit to the side.  
  
"Yep, its resourceful in times like this," Frodo said in a businesslike voice.  
  
Meanwhile with Aragorn, Legolas, and King Arthur  
  
"Are we there yet?" asked Legolas in a very bored voice.  
  
"No, and we will never be there if you don't stop asking," said Arthur hotly.  
  
"Well I'm bored," said Legolas unhappily.  
  
"Deal with it," said Arthur as he walked away from Legolas.  
  
"He's mean," said Legolas grumpily as he walked up next to Aragorn.  
  
"So, what's wrong with that?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"Nothing, I guess. Hey Aragorn?" asked Legolas.  
  
"What?" asked Aragorn hotly.  
  
"Did you know that the earth is banana shaped?" asked Legolas.  
  
"Yes Legolas," said Aragorn.  
  
"Oh, well did you know that sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes?" asked Legolas.  
  
"Yes, that is old news," said Aragorn boredly.  
  
Suddenly comotion arrived from the front of the party.  
  
"Camelot!" came a voice from the front. The party had now stopped infront of a large castle standing in the grey morning on the hill above them.  
  
"Camelot!" came another voice.  
  
"It's only a modle," came another voice.  
  
"Shhh! Knights I regret to welcome you to your new home, please don't mess it up," said Arthur as the party ran past him into the castle.  
  
Singing begins:  
  
We're knights of the round table  
  
We dance when e'er we're able  
  
We do routines and parlour scenes  
  
With footwork impecce-Able.  
  
We dine well here in Camelot - We eat ham and jam and spam a lot [dancing]  
  
We're knights of the Round Table  
  
Our shows are for-mid-able  
  
Oh many times we're given rhymes - That are quite unsing-able  
  
We not so fat in Camelot - We sing from the diaphragm a lot  
  
[tap-dancing]  
  
Oh we're tough and able  
  
Quite indefatigable  
  
Between our quests we [something] And impersonate Clark Gable  
  
It's a bit too loud in Camelot  
  
I have to push the pram a lot.  
  
"Well on second thought maybe we shouldn't go to Camelot, it's a dangerous place for you Middle Earth people," said Arthur after imagining the singing knights.  
  
Writer: That's it for chappy 6, but I hope you liked it and please review. Thank you to everyone who has given me good reviews! 


	7. GOD!

"What is wrong with you people?" asked Arthur.

"There is absolutely nothing wrong with me other than the fact that I am crazy! GOSH!" screamed Legolas.

"Whoa there boy, no need to get emotional," said Aragorn as he lead the steaming Legolas away from Arthur.

Arthur thought to himself about these strange people and how weird they are. He looked back over his shoulder to see the little hobbit Frodo playing 'I SPY' with that _Captain _Jack Sparrow.

**with Jack and Frodo**

"I spy with my little eye something ugly!" said Frodo as he looked directly at Jack.

"Um…is it Aragorn?" asked Jack suspiciously.

"No…but lets talk about that later," said Frodo as he gave Aragorn an evil look.

"Is it me?" asked Jack in an offended tone.

"DUH!" exclaimed Frodo.

"You're mean!" cried Jack. He then ran away crying.

"ARTHUR! YO!" exclaimed a voice that sounded very powerful.

"AGH! Who said that!" exclaimed Arthur, surprised and terrified.

"It's me, GOD! BUM BUM BUM!" exclaimed God as he started to laugh at Arthur.

"What do you want?" asked Arthur now relieved and back to being annoyed with the Middle Earth people.

"Arthur, kind of those people that I can't remember their names! I want you and your really cool knights to find the holy grail.

"Really cool knights?" Arthur scoffed.

"SHUT UP! Anyway if you don't do it I will kill you.

Arthur bowed down to God.

"Don't grovel, I hate grovling," said God as he glared at Arthur.

Arthur covered his eyes.

"What are you doing now?" asked God.

"I'm averting my eyes oh Lord," said Arthur in a respectful voice.

"Well don't, its like those miserable psalms," said God.

"Yeah, stupid Arthur!" said Legolas from somewhere in the back.

That's it guys cuz again I'm in computers class and I have to go…have fun w/it


	8. French Taunters and Aragorn's rabbit

"Where are we going?" asked Legolas as he walked slowly up to Arthur.

"I don't know," said Arthur who was trying really hard to act somewhat civilized to the really annoying elf.

"Are we going to the castle?" asked Legolas as he pointed to a large ugly castle in the distance.

"Sure," said Arthur who was now somewhat curious as to who lived inside that ugly grey castle.

Meanwhile at the back of the party, Aragorn and Jack, excuse me Captain Jack, were arguing about bananas.

"NO! I told you, bananas are fruit," said Jack as he waved his hand frantically in the air.

"Nuh-uh, they're vegetables!" yelled Aragorn angrily.

"No, they're fruit, and fruit prevents scurvy…which is a good thing if you are a pirate living in the Caribbean," Jack said as he began to swing off topic a bit. Suddenly Frodo decided to butt in on this conversation, being the foodologist that he was.

"Excuse me, but Mr. Sparrow…" he began, but Jack cut him off.

"Captain Sparrow if you please mate," said Jack as he pointed to his hat.

"Why would the hat make a difference?" asked Aragorn while chortling. (BTW chortling is the weirdest word ever…which is exactly why I used it, if you don't know what it means that's too bad for you.)

"Because mate, the hat makes the captain, the cooler your hat is, the better the captain you are, and I am a very good captain, which makes my hat super cool," said Jack proudly throwing out his chest a little bit to make himself more "feared" if you will.

"Yo! Middle Earth people and pirate, we are at this ugly grey castle and we are now going to ask them for assistance in finding the most Holy Grail," called Arthur from the front of the party.

"That sounds like loads of fun!" said Aragorn sarcastically as he jumped up and down a few times to make the effect greater.

On the Castle Wall

"Look at those silly Englishmen! They are soooo dumb! They think we have a holy grail or something like that. Ha! They're mothers were all hamsters and all they're fathers smelt of elderberries," said one of the Frenchmen on top of the wall to another Frenchman who was also incidentally sitting on top of the wall.

Meanwhile on the ground

"Excuse me! Have you seen a holy grail anywhere?" called Arthur from the bottom of the wall. The Frenchman gave him a mocking glare and shook his head.

"No, you can go away now," he said as he made rude hand gestures at Arthur.

"If you give us shelter for the night we will let you assist us on the quest for the most holy grail," pleaded Arthur who was now getting annoyed like he did with the Middle Earth people.

"If you give us shelter we will give you cookies!" called Legolas, who up till then had been staring intently at the ground.

"I don't want cookies," said the Frenchmen who was now giving all his rude hand gestures and attention to Legolas. "We already have a Holy Grail or whatever so we don't want to help you look for one, or give you shelter."

Aragorn looked at Jack and gave him a bored look. "These French dudes aren't very helpful are they?" he asked Jack.

"Let me at them. I'll pillage and burn they're castle and steal they're grail so we can go on our merry way," said Jack, who was snarling up at the evil, taunting Frenchman.

"No, this is a quest for God, which means no pillaging and burning," said Arthur sadly. It would have been quite funny to see the pirate attack the annoying Frenchmen and they're stupid, ugly castle.

"Listen! Your mothers were all hamsters, and your fathers all smelled of elderberries!" cried the Frenchmen from the tower wall. "I fart in your general direction."

"What a strange man," squeaked Frodo from behind Jack. From up on the wall Frodo looked very tiny, which gave the Frenchmen another way to taunt the silly English.

"You are very short you small little Englishman," he said most dramatically while blowing raspberries and hitting himself on the head.

"We should make a plan that involves a very large wooden rabbit," said Aragorn eagerly in Arthur's ear, making him jump up at the sound of his voice so close to his head.

"Why would we do a thing like that?" asked Arthur, giving Aragorn an "I don't think so" look.

"It'll be just like what the Greeks did to the Trojans," said Aragorn pleadingly.

"If you don't go away I will taunt you some more!" yelled the Frenchman down to the Camelot party.

"Fine, we'll make the stupid rabbit," grumbled Arthur, who had rather resented the Frenchman's last remark. The last thing he needed was another person annoying him to death, just like that evil elf.

Ok guys...I updated. I know it took me like forever, but I've been sorta busy, anyways review this chapter and hopefully I'll have the next one up ASAP. BTW If you are going to flame me, flame me with taste. Don't just flame me for no reason, actually give me hints or ideas so I can improve my story, I have no use for useless flames like "you suck" or for example "here that whirring sound? That's tolkien spinning in his grave" I actually got that one once…it didn't make any difference to the way I wrote the story, so please give me ideas or praise or whatever just not crappy flames or else I'll flame the crappy flamer for no reason. (laughs evilly)


	9. Aragorn's rabbit and the drunken pirate

Ok…here it is, Chappy 9

The Frenchman looked around confused. He could swear he heard the sounds of building, but he couldn't quite figure out why, or from where. Suddenly he saw a large wooden rabbit rolling his way. "What the hell?"

"Almost…there," gasped Aragorn as he pretended to push the rabbit.

"You didn't even push the friggin' rabbit!" ranted Arthur.

"Ya, well its hard walking up hills," said Aragorn.

"That was the lamest comeback I've ever heard in my entire life," said Arthur who was now smirking and giving Aragorn a "bring it on" kind of look.

"You want to make something of this?" asked Aragorn angrily.

"Not really," said Arthur who was now succeeding on taunting Aragorn further. Finally, it was his turn to constantly annoy those stupid nit wits from Middle Earth, and that obnoxious pirate from the Caribbean.

"Fight, Fight, Fight!" yelled Jack who had recently consumed at least 10 bottles of rum and was having a pretty hard time standing up.

Legolas turned to look at Jack, who was now slurring all of his words and swing dancing with a tree.

"I think we should take this outside!" yelled Aragorn to Arthur.

"We are outside, you idiot," said Arthur while rolling his eyes. Meanwhile, as their little fight had been going on, the Frenchmen on top of the wall had been angrily glaring at the rabbit.

"That is one big rabbit," said one Frenchman.

"Evil rabbit," commented another who happened to have a chronic fear of rabbits.

"I say we throw random animals at the rabbit," said one of the Frenchmen that no one listened to, then they stole his ideas later when they couldn't think of anything else.

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard," said the first Frenchmen.

((back to those on the ground))

Aragorn angrily kicked Arthur in the shin. Arthur, on his fighting instinct retorted by poking Aragorn in the shoulder, they went at each other for a few more minutes, until Jack broke up the fight with his horrible singing.

"Willy Wonka! Willy Wonka! The Amazing Choclatier!" Jack sang very loudly at the very top of his lungs.

"Dude…shut up! You suck," yelled Frodo who was no writhing on the ground in pain from Jack's horrible singing. Jack seemingly didn't hear and began to sing even more loudly and annoying.

Jack had suddenly decided that he wanted to sing a new song, so he chose something more popular. "Hit me baby one more time!" was the last thing Jack sang before he passed out from all the rum.

"He has a serious drinking problem," sighed Legolas as he heaved Jack's body into the rabbit.

"What was the point of putting him in the rabbit?" asked Aragorn.

"Well…it'll be really when he wakes up inside the rabbit," said Legolas.

"Dude…that is not funny," said Aragorn who was currently giving Arthur dirty looks.

"Well, I don't know what the point was then," said Legolas. "We should probably get out of here so the French don't suspect it was us."

They quickly ran, leaving Jack in the rabbit, over to bush and hid in it.

"So, what do we do now?" asked Arthur.

"Well, Legolas, Frodo and I will jump out of the rabbit and scare the crap out of the French, causing them to give us their grail and some food," Aragorn said proudly.

"How is that possible?" asked Arthur who was now looking at Aragorn as if he were insane.

"Well, like I said…" Aragorn trailed off as he realized the fault of his plan. "Awww crap." Arthur slapped Aragorn upside the head for his stupidity.

"Well at least Jack is in there," pointed out Legolas.

"Ya, but Jack is asleep, and when he wakes up he's gonna be in super hangover mode," said Frodo who hadn't said much till now. Wow…that is quite sad. Suddenly the rabbit came flying over the ugly castle's wall. All the while the terrified shrieks of Jack came from inside.

"Take cover!" Screamed Arthur as he dove into the brush, he was quickly followed by Aragorn, Legolas, and Frodo. Unfortunately, Arthur's servants were not so lucky. The rabbit landed directly on top of them, which incidentally did not kill them, or Jack who happened to still be inside the rabbit. Moments later a very terrified and shaky Jack limped over to the brush where the others had been standing.

Jack glared at them all. "Never, I repeat, NEVER, do that again," he said as he threw a few rum bottles at Legolas's feet. He silently trudged over next to Aragorn who was silently laughing.

"We should attack the castle!" cried a very shook up and outraged Arthur.

"Yeah! We should throw stuff at them," came an unwelcome response from the top of the wall. Suddenly many live animals began to rain down on the party of knights and a pirate.

"Attack!" cried Arthur as he raced to the wall with his sword in hand. Everyone followed his lead and began beating up the wall, as though it had done them some great personal wrong.

"How is this helping?" asked Aragorn who was currently chopping at the wall with his sword.

"I don't know," said Legolas as he pointlessly shot good arrows at the wall.

"This isn't working," said Arthur who was now very irritated with the world. "RETREAT!"

The whole party quickly retreated into the woods.

"What do we do now?" asked Frodo, who had apparently been hit with some animals because he was very bruised.

"I say we split up, if we look for the grail separately them we may find it sooner and get this stupid non-pillaging quest over with," said Jack.

"Good idea," said Arthur who had a very disturbing look on his face.

Aragorn silently laughed at Arthur, and gave him a very smug look. 'This is going to be one interesting quest,' he thought to himself.

Ok…that's it for chappy 9, hope you liked it cuz it may take a little longer for me to update now. Stupid school stomps off


	10. The Tale of Legolas

The Tale of Legolas

Legolas slowly walked through the woods with a bunch of some guy's favorite minstrels following close behind him. He had never been so scared in his life. He wasn't afraid of the woods, he was afraid of the crazy minstrels. Wherever he went they were there, it was as if they could pop out of nowhere.

"Brave Legolas he is sooo cool! We love him and we always will! He is way braver than that Robin dude, but we don't care!" sang the head minstrel happily as he skipped along side Legolas. That was just enough to set Legolas off. He immediately swung his fist around to punch the minstrel, but the freak had disappeared.

"AHHHHH!" Legolas screamed as he ran through the forest trying to escape the evil minstrels. Hours later Legolas had come to a clearing in the forest. He saw a sign ahead of him, so naturally he went over to read it. The sign read: Danger! Pretty much any way you go in this forest you will be killed mercilessly, so I wouldn't recommend a way.

"Damn sign," said Legolas as he gave it a good kick. Suddenly he felt very hungry, but remembered that the minstrels had all the food. He gave the forest behind him an evil glare before returning to stare off into the distance. 'Which way should I go?' he thought to himself as he recalled the sign's warning. He suddenly began to hear melodic voices off in the distance. "What the hell?" he asked himself as the voices came closer. Suddenly realization dawned on him. He hurriedly ran off in a random direction, knowing that he would lose the minstrels if he was random enough. This trick normally worked in Middle Earth.

"Brave sir Legolas is missing, missing, missing! Brave sir Legolas is missing, missing, ohhhhhh! M-I-S-S-I-N-G!" sang the minstrels off in the distance. They had seen a flash of blonde hair, knowing that this was indeed the elf; they followed him into the completely random direction.

"This is not good," Legolas said to himself as he ran looking back over his shoulder. Suddenly he crashed into something quite large. In front of him stood a man that had three different heads, the heads, much to Legolas's dismay were the heads of none other than Merry, Pippin, and Gimli.

"Hey Merry, look it's Legolas!" he cried, attempting to embrace the poor elf. Legolas managed to jump out of the way just in time.

"I thought you said there weren't wood elves in this world," complained Gimli, who looked clearly frightened of Legolas.

"Gimli, it's me, Legolas, you know, the blonde elf who was your friend," said Legolas who was now quite confused.

"Ohhh! It's only you," he said in relief. "I thought it was one of those evil wood elves I used to have nightmares about." Gimli extended a hand out to Legolas, but Legolas rejected it.

"So, what brings you guys out to this weird world?" asked Legolas who had decided that seeing the annoying hobbits and the alcoholic dwarf was better than being chased by evil minstrels.

"Well, seeing that you guys had left us in the middle of nowhere, we decided to follow you," said Merry as he flicked a bug off of Pippin's head.

"Ow! That really hurt," whined Pippin as he rubbed his sore head.

"How did you end up being one person?" asked Legolas who was now looking at their big bulk of a body.

"Oh, we didn't," said Gimli shaking his head. "We merely just stand in front of this card board cut out all day and freak people out."

"What is the point of that?" asked Legolas.

"There isn't a point really," said Merry sadly.

"We do it because we couldn't find you guys," said Pippin who had now jumped down from the stool he was standing on that enabled him to be tall enough to fit in the head slot of the card board cut out.

"Oh, you know you could have called us on our cell phones," Legolas reminded him as he pulled his phone out of his pocket.

"Well, there was that option, except for that our cell phones don't have service here," said Pippin who was showing him his own cell phone which clearly read "no service."

"That's probably because you're from the Shire," scoffed Legolas.

"No, it's just that we didn't pay for roaming," said Gimli matter o' factly.

"Are you guys all on the same freaking plan?" asked Legolas who was very confused now.

"Yeah, we bought our cell phones together," said Merry who had by now also jumped down from the cut out.

Suddenly they all heard singing in the distance.

"Shit! We gotta go! My minstrels are after me!" cried Legolas as he sprinted away into the forest. The others followed him quickly as the scene ended.


	11. The Tale of Frodo

The Tale of Frodo

Frodo limped through the wilderness at night, in the rain, even though there wasn't a cloud in the sky and the sun was shining and Frodo was not hurt at all, but we're playing along with the original plot. Anyways, back to the story.

"I'm tired," groaned Frodo as he fake limped along through the woods. In the distance he saw a beacon that looked a lot like a grail.

"I found the grail!" yelled Frodo, as he ran off to get it, completely forgetting that he was supposed to have an injured leg. As Frodo approached his destination he realized that he hadn't found the grail, but that he had found a castle where the grail must be hidden in. Quickly, Frodo remembered his lines and threw himself against the door of the castle.

"Let me in you tards!" he yelled as he threw his small body against the door. Some onlookers gazed curiously at Frodo, but quickly turned around, as they soon realized that he was doing this for effect.

The door to the castle slowly opened, and in the door way stood a beautiful women.

"Galadriel?" asked Frodo in an unsure voice.

"No, I am Zoot, and this is the castle anthrax," the woman said, emphasizing the word anthrax.

"Anthrax? Isn't that some kind of disease?" asked Frodo, now unsure if he wanted to enter the castle at all.

"Yeah, but the name attracts more tourists, so we kept it," she said looking kindly down at Frodo and offering him a hand.

Frodo quickly grabbed her hand and she hoisted him up. He looked around the woman and into the castle. It seemed like a normal castle. It didn't look disease infested to him, so he followed Zoot into the castle.

"This castle is home to all these really hot girls who are mostly blonde and brunette between the ages of 16 and 19," she said as she gave Frodo an abnormally large smile.

"That's great, I guess," said Frodo, who had now become uneasy after hearing the information about the castle. Normally girls flocked toward Frodo, and he didn't mind, but there was something different about this place.

"So…what brings you here anyways?" Zoot asked Frodo. She was obviously trying to make small talk, but Frodo could not seem to figure out why.

"The holy grail," he said as if it were an after thought. They slowly turned the corner to a large flight of stairs. "Are we going up there?"

"Yeah, I figured you'd want to stay here overnight," Zoot said thoughtfully as she led him up the stairs. "We mainly just sit around here all day making fancy underwear and dreaming of having sex. Its been a long time since we've had a man around here."

"I'm technically not a man," commented Frodo, who was at least 3 feet shorter than the woman.

"So you're a eunuch?" she asked with dismay.

"No, I'm a hobbit…and I'm not gay or eunuch in anyway," he commented quickly.

"Oooh, ok, good, for a minute there I thought I was going to have to kick you out," said Zoot happily.

"So, anyway, about that grail," said Frodo.

"We don't have any grails here, you must be delusional. I think I'll have our doctors come and take a look at your wound," said Zoot as she gestured toward Frodo's leg.

"What wound?" asked Frodo as he looked down at his leg which was perfectly fine a minute ago. He then saw that he had randomly acquired a very strange cut on his leg, which could have easily been fixed with a Band-Aid.

"The one on your leg," said Zoot who was now looking worriedly at Frodo.

"I just need a band-aid," said Frodo as he began to pull one out of his bag.

"A what?" the woman asked, she was quite curious to what a band-aid was.

"A little sticky thing that you put on cuts and crap like that," said Frodo as he smoothed the band-aid over the cut.

"Yeah, well I'm still gonna have the doctors take a look at it," Zoot said in an irritated tone. She looked over her left shoulder and made a gesture for two people who till recently had been standing in the shadows to come over. "These are our doctors, I can't remember their names because they're new and they told me last night when I was drunk so I can't tell you their names."

"Wow, you're very helpful," said Frodo sarcastically while rolling his eyes.

"So, anyway, here's your room," said Zoot as she gestured toward a door at the end of the corridor they had just reached.

Frodo walked to the end of the corridor, closely followed by the doctors. He opened the door to his room to discover that it was completely pink and covered in teddy bears and hearts, complete with a heart shaped bed.

"Ooook," said Frodo as he plopped himself down on the bed.

"Lay down," said the first doctor.

"There's no way in hell that I'm gonna lay down…," began Frodo. He had been pushed down by the second doctor.

"It seems you have a wound on your leg that must be taken care of immediately," said the first doctor as she began to take off Frodo's pants.

"I don't think so," said Frodo as he slapped at her hand away. He quickly jumped off the bed and ran down the hall.

"Wait!" called the doctors as they chased him. Frodo ran without thinking into a room filled with girls.

"AHHHHHH!" he screamed and he ran toward the nearest door he could find. When he reached the door he was held back by what appeared to be Zoot.

"I can't let you through there," she said.

"No Zoot…," Frodo began.

"Zoot? I'm not Zoot, I'm Galadriel Zoot's twin sister," Galadriel said enthusiastically giving Frodo a large toothy grin.

"Right, anyway I need to find the grail…," he began again, but once again he was cut off.

"Grail? What grail?" asked Galadriel with a confused smile now. 'Geez what was it with this chick and smiling?' Frodo thought to himself.

"You know, the Holy Grail, I saw your beacon," he said, for once not getting cut off.

"Oh! Naughty Zoot! Bad bad Zoot! She must be punished!" cried Galadriel.

"Eh?" questioned Frodo. He didn't think he had ever been so confused in his life. "Wait…punished? For what?"

"Um…well for whatever it is that she did," replied Galadriel with yet another smile.

"Erm…ok then. How would you like me to punish her?" he asked.

"Well, you have to lay her down on a bed and spank her," replied Galadriel, this time not smiling but instead grinning! Mwahahahahaha!

"I see," said Frodo, who was actually beginning to like this place.

"In fact, I say you give us all a good spanking, and some oral sex!" cried Galadriel. After she said this wild cheers began to rise within the room. Just as Frodo was about to reply Captain Jack Sparrow crashed through the door.

"I'll save you Frodo!" he yelled as she shoved some women aside.

"I don't want to be saved!" exclaimed Frodo.

"Well too bad," said Jack, taking Frodo by the arm.

"Noooooo!" cried all the women as Frodo was dragged out of the castle by Jack.

"Aw Shit," said Galadriel as she plopped herself down on her coach and began to watch Judge Judy.

"Why did you save me?" asked Frodo as he tried to be freed of Jack's grip.

"Because, you were in great peril," Jack replied as he tightened his grip on Frodo's wrist.

"Peril? Dude…I was about to get lucky," said Frodo now biting Jack's wrist.

"No, you weren't. I think you've had enough peril today," said Jack as he dragged Frodo off the set.

Ok…phew that's enough updating for today…I gotta go do some evil math…maybe I'll update tomorrow. You never know. Anyway, review.


	12. Scene 24: weird this is only chappy 12

Scene 24

Aragorn trudged next to Arthur. Why was he always picked last. Of course he had to be put in the group with the annoying and crazy king, when all his other friends got to explore the wild on their own. This really pissed him off. He thought back to high school when he was always picked last for everything. That was mostly because he was a ranger and for some reason everyone hated rangers. He smirked at the fact that he had outlived all of his evil classmates by a lot. He had gone to most of their funerals just to give their families smug look. Most of them had the evil comeback of "why didn't you bring your family Aragorn?" ooh that one really pissed him off.

"What's your problem?" asked Arthur as he gave Aragorn a worried look.

"Nothing," said Aragorn frowning. That stupid freak. Why couldn't he just leave him alone? Was it so hard to walk in silence? Apparently Arthur had a problem with that.

"Ok, then how come you look so pissed off at the world?" asked Arthur. Apparently there was something wrong with this Aragorn. He normally had an annoying air to him, but not today. Today he just seemed, well boring.

"Because I am pissed off at the world," said Aragorn glaring at Arthur.

"Why is that?" asked Arthur. If Aragorn was gonna be pissed off he might as well give him some encouraging advice.

"Because, I am always picked last," he said with a frown.

"That's why your mad?" asked Arthur, who, by now had a very stupid grin on his face.

"What the hell are you smiling about?" asked Aragorn angrily.

"Nothing," said Arthur, who had once again become painfully sad.

They soon approached a really ugly small little hut. In back of the hut stood a very large army.

"That's odd," said Aragorn making a gesture toward the army.

"Yeah, I thought they didn't show up till later," said Arthur. Suddenly, the army dissppeared. They walked into the hut to find an ugly little man sitting there.

"I am the ugly little man from Scene 24, can I help you?" he asked with a buisness man smile.

"Not really," said Aragorn gloomily.

"Don't pay attention to him," said Arthur, giving Aragorn a jab in the ribs.

"Then what do you want? I'm a busy man so can we just get this over with?" prodded the old man.

"Ok, ok, Well, we are looking for a holy grail," said Arthur.

"Oh, so you're the king Arthur dude that they told me about, ok," the old man said. He smiled a not so toothy grin, because for some reason all his teeth had dissappeard along with one of his eyes.

"So, can you tell us where to find a grail?" asked Arthur.

"Yeah, I suppose. Go into the forest," said the old man enthusiastically.

"The forest?" asked Arthur who had become quite annoyed with this retarded old man.

"Yes, the forest. Now get out of here!" cried the old man as he chased them out of his hut with a stick. Suddenly the hut dissappeared and Arthur and Aragorn were standing in the middle of a forest.

"That was anti climactic," said Aragorn with a shrug.

"Well I guess we don't have to find the forest," commented Arthur. Suddenly the scene ended and the chapter was over.


	13. The Knights Who Say Ni

The Knights who say Ni

When we last left our heroes they were stranded in a forest trudging along and hatinging the world, well at least in Aragorn's case. Let's see how much progress they've made since we last saw them shall we?

"Great, you've gotten us lost!" exclaimed Aragorn who was now very mad at Arthur. They had been walking around the same awful forest for hours and they had managed to walk in circles the whole time. "I swear I saw that tree before."

"All the trees look the same stupid," scoffed Arthur as he pulled out a map.

"You've had a map this whole time?" asked Aragorn angrily.

"Well I didn't think that we'd actually need it," Arthur said guiltily.

"Bleh," was Aragorn's response as he glared at a nearby tree.

"Aragorn, stop taking your anger out on the wildlife," said Arthur as Aragorn banged his head against a tree.

"Do you want me to take it out on you instead?" Aragorn asked, a small grin appearing on his face.

"That's ok," replied Arthur as he edged away from Aragorn. Arthur turned as he heard a noise behind him

"Did you hear that?" he asked Aragorn with a frightened look.

"No, I think you seriously need to go to therapy. You're always hearing and seeing things," replied Aragorn with a smug look on his face.

"Seriously," said Arthur in a quite panicked tone.

"As I said before, there is nothing in these stupid woods. That old man was just trying to confuse us. I knew he didn't like you," Aragorn snapped.

"Didn't like me? You were the one were the sign on your head that says "I hate the world"!" yelled Arthur, completely forgetting his previous fears.

"Right? And what are you? Mr. I love everyone?" quipped Aragorn angrily. He was about ready to pull out his sword when he heard the soud of twigs breaking all around him.

"See there it is again!" exclaimed Arthur. This time he was sure Aragorn had heard it too.

"What is that?" asked Aragorn who had pulled out his sword.

"We are the Knights of Ni," came a not so beautiful voice from within the trees.

"Eh?" asked Aragorn. When he turned to look at Arthur, the poor man was on his back writhing in pain. "Eh?"

"Ahhh! Don't say it again!" cried Arthur in apparent misery.

"Ni!" said the knight who was obviously pleased with himself by his tone of voice.

"I don't see what's so bad about that word," said Aragorn as he gave Arthur a dissaproving look.

"It's the most dreaded word ever created," said Arthur who was still on the ground. "We just want to pass through these woods."

"Ni!" cried the knight who appeared to be having a lot of fun.

"Ok, how bout we make you a deal," said Aragorn who was getting annoyed of Arthur's antics.

"What?" asked the knight.

"I don't know," said Aragorn glancing at Arthur.

"If you get us a shrubbery we'll let you through," said the knight who seemed that he was having a lovely day dream about a shrubbery.

"Dude!" yelled Aragorn.

"Right, ok. So, you get us a shrubbery then you can pass through. It has to be pretty, but not too expensive. Can you handle that?" asked the knight who was looking at Arthur in disgust because he was still writhing in pain for some unknown reason.

"Yeah, I think we can," said Arthur jumping up.

"Now...GO!" yelled the knight who was trying to give his voice a slightly frightening affect.

"Dude, not scary," commented Aragorn as he turned to leave.

"Yeah, well neither are you!" the knight called after them. His feelings had obviously been hurt.

ok...thats the end of this chappy...hopefully its funny enough...if its not i'm sorry but its kinda hard to write and do math at the same time, so forgive me. I'll try to make the next chappy funnier.


	14. The Tale of Captain Jack Sparrow

The Tale of Captain Jack Sparrow

Jack walked happily along through the trees in a forest much like all the other forests we've been through in the past few chapters. He was now humming the Willy Wonka Welcome song to himself. It had been a very interesting day for him. Of course he was still having the worst hangover in the world, but for some reason he was very happy. Suddenly he heard a wooshing sound coming from the trees.

Meanwhile

Prince Herbert was about to break into song when his father cut him off.

"No singing!" he yelled.

"I love singing! The hills are alive..." Sang Herbert before he was rudley cut off by his father.

"No, singing is for girls. Which you are not, but now I am starting to believe you are, Alice," Herbert's father said.

"My name is Herbert," said Herbert who sounded as if he was sick and half asleep.

"Right, anyway, you should start getting ready for you wedding," said his father quickly.

"I don't want to get married," whined Herbert.

"Why not!" asked his father who was obviously enraged at the thought of his son not wanting to get married.

"Because, I don't love her," Herbert said as he stared down at the floor in shame.

"You don't love her? Marraige isn't about love! Anyway, what's not to love? She's rich, she has huge...tracts of land, heh, and she well, um, she's pretty," said the king a.k.a Herbert's father.

"She's not pretty, she's fat," complained Herbert. "Anyway, I would rather, SING!" he added as he began to break into song.

"No! We will have none of that singing buisness. You're going to marry Princess Fatty, I mean Looky (is it lukcy or looky? I could never tell in the movie) and you're going to like it!" his father grumbled as he stumbled over to the door. "You two, guards. Make sure he doesn't leave the room," he added hastily.

"So can he leave the room with us?" asked one of the guards.

"No, he can't leave the room with anyone," said the king.

"Oh, so he can leave the room," said the guard who seemed more than a bit confused.

"NO! He can't leave the room," yelled the king.

"Why not?" asked the guard.

"Because, I said so!" yelled the king. By now he was fuming and about ready to punch out the guard.

"Ok, so let me get this straight. He can't leave the room, but you can come in the room, and he can leave with you?" the guard asked smiling.

"No! No one can take him out of the room, no one can come in the room, and for all means HE CAN'T LEAVE THE ROOM!" shouted the king as he stormed out the door.

"So, now what do we do?" asked the guard to Herbert.

"I'm going to..." said Herbert as he was about to break into song, when his father suddenly burst into the room.

"ABSOLUTELY NO SINGING!" he yelled before he slammed the door and ran off.

"Yeah, I was about to do that," said Herbert. He slowly walked toward his desk and grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill. The guards gave him a very happy look and went back to doing nothing. "Pot heads," said Herbert under his breath. He quickly scribbled something down on the paper, attached the paper to an arrow and shot it out the window, all the while the guards stared happily at him.

Meanwhile

"Ahhh! It's an arrow!" screamed Jack as he ducked for cover behind a tree. The arrow went flying past him and hit a nearby pedestrian.

"Shit!" screamed the pedestrian as he fell to the ground.

"Noooo! Not my dear and beloved friend!" yelled Jack as he rushed over to the pedestrian laying on the ground.

"Do I know you?" the pedestrian asked wearily.

"No," said Jack casually as he attempted to rip the arrow out of the pedestrians chest.

"Don't! That hurts more!" he cried as Jack managed to shove it further into the man's chest.

"Oops, sorry," said Jack.

"I think this arrow is for you," said the pedestrian as he pointed to the note attached to it. "You are a brave knight, right?" he added.

"Yeah, sure," said Jack as he snatched up the note.It read: To the finder of this note, I am in need of rescue, because my father is keeping locked in the tallest tower of the swamp castle. He won't let me sing. Anyway it would be great if you could save me and also pick up my groceries. The list is attached to the note.

"Groceries?" asked Jack, a little confused.

"Well, go save the poor woman," said the pedestrian who appeared to be far from death.

"Aren't you supposed to die?" asked Jack as he was about to get up and run to the grocery store.

"Yeah, but that got written out. Have fun!" cried the pedestrian as Jack ran off. "Sucker."


	15. The Rescue of PrincePrincess Herbert

The rescue of the Prince/ Princess Herbert

Jack ran quickly to the grocery store and picked up everything on the list. "Ok, now that that's done, I must go save the princess!" he yelled at the very frightened grocery store checkout person. Suddenly he appeared in front of a castle on a swamp. He ran frantically toward it, but for some reason he could not get any closer to it. "Damn special effects," he said as he tried to run faster. Suddenly the special effects crew let him run forward, and becuase he had been running so fast in the first place, he was already at the castle.

"What the hell?" asked one of the guards who happened to be standing at the front of the castle.

Jack aimed his pistol at him. "Out of my way boy," he said as his eyes grew dark. This might have been because he happened to apply more mascara to make him look more scary.

"Yeah, right. I'm kinda supposed to be guarding this castle so, ya," said the guard mockingly.

"This shot is not meant for you," Jack said. "Wait, wrong person. This shot is meant for you," he said as he shot the guy. Jack suddenly pulled out a wooden sword and started beating up all of the party guests and guards at the swamp castle. He ran quickly to what looked to him like the highest tower of the castle. Of course he got lost a few times, but whatever. Jack kicked down the door to what he believed to be the room of the princess.

"My rescuer is here!" yelled Herbert as he hugged Jack. Jack gave him an awkward look.

"Eh?" Jack said. "Aren't you supposed to be a girl?"

"What? I'm not a girl," retorted Herbert.

"So you're a eunuch?" asked Jack.

"A what?" asked Herbert who was now confused. Suddenly the door burst open and in walked Herbert's father.

"Who the hell are you?" asked the king angrily.

"Now, don't get mad, but I have come to rescue your daughter," said Jack.

"So, he does look like a girl? I always knew he had feminin features," said the king who had lost all trace of anger.

"Yeah, well he sent me this note," said Jack as he handed the note to the king. "By the way, I'm captain Jack Sparrow, from Camelot."

"Camelot?" said the king perking up. "Good pig country that Camelot is. Let me show you around." As all of this was taking place, Herbert had started to climb out the window and was waiting for Jack to follow him.

"Sir Captain Jack Sparrow!" he called.

"Oh, don't mind him," said the king as he chopped the rope his son was hanging from. "Alice will be fine."

"Herbert!" came a cry from the wall. Herbert was now falling very fast to his apparent doom.

"Is it okay to let him fall?" asked Jack.

"Eh, whatever. If he dies at least I'll still be rich," said the king as he led Jack into a large hallway.

Ok, I know the chapters are getting shorter, but it's hard to write long chapters at a time, they may get shorter a longer. Size will vary, just hang in there my faithful reviewers, the updates will start to grow and grow as summer ends because i'm bored now.


	16. The somewhat bruised wedding guests

The Wedding Guests

When we left off, Herbert was falling to his almost certain doom, and Jack and the king were touring the swamp castle.

"So, this is the main hall, but I expect to have it torn out in a few months so we can get a new one," said the king as he led Jack into a main hall filled with crying and bruised people.

"There he is!" yelled a random man who had many bruises from Jack's wooden sword.

"Oh crap," said Jack as he pulled out his wooden sword. The wedding guests began to run up the stairs to attack Jack. He began to beat them back with his sword. "Back! Back I say!"

"Stop bruising my wedding guests," said the king as he grabbed Jack's sword and hit him over the head with it.

"Ow," cried Jack as he grabbed his sword and stuffed it into his backpack.

"People! People! We need to be nice to this dude, he's from Camelot," said the king as he pointed to Jack who was now waving nervously to the angry wedding guests.

"He killed the brides father!" came a voice from within the crowd.

"How is that possible? His sword is made of wood," said the king as he glanced at Jack.

"He hit him really hard with it," said the same man.

"Well, that's ok. My son fell off the tall tower, so I would like to think that I've earned a daughter, rather than lost a whiney son. The crowd let out an unenthusiastic cheer.

"He's getting better!" came that same voice.

"Who is?" asked the king.

"The bride's father," said the man.

"Oh, well then he's been mortally wounded so he'll never see his daughter again," said the king about to go on with his speech.

"He's going to live!" yelled the same man.

The king waved his hand and one of his guards killed the bride's father. "Suddenly the bride's father felt the icy hand of death, and now I have inherited a daughter," the king said with an overyly enthusiastic smile. The crowd clapped now very enthusiastically, when suddenly the pedestrian ran into the building carrying Herbert.

"He's not quite dead," said the pedestrian.

"AHHHHH! He's back! You fell off the tall tower you freak!" yelled the king.

"Yes, but I was saved," said Herbert who had now jumped out of the pedestrians arms.

"How did you do that?" asked the king who was in complete shock.

"Well, let me tell you, IN A SONG!" exclaimed the prince happily.

"No! Any way but that way!" screamed the king who had covered his ears.

The prince began to sing a song about he was saved, but Jack really didn't have time to stick around and listen to this shit, so he decided to leave.

"Yo! Knight dude! Come this way," said the Pedestrian who was now pointing a clear pathway through all the people.

"No! It's not right for my piraty idiom!" Jack called as he grabbed a rope and attempted to swing across the hall. He managed to swing half way to the other side before the rope stopped. "Could someone give me a push?" he asked. No one bothered to give him a push, so he just stayed there for the rest of the scene.


	17. Roger the Shrubber

Roger the Shrubber

Aragorn and Arthur walked silently through a rather pathetic lookig town. There didn't seem to be anyone actually inhabiting the town, which made it look even more desolate. For some reason they hadn't been able to find any shrubberies, which was odd, because usually local nurseries carried those. Sadly, these were apparently dark times and every nursery was out of shrubberies, due to popular demand from the knights of ni.

"I can't believe Shrubbieries plus didn't have any shrubberies," whined Arthur as they walked down the dusty path.

"You'd think they would considering the title of the store," said Arthur as he kicked a rock. The rock hit an old lady that was beating her cat against a wall. She quickly dropped the cat and picked up the rock.

"Did you throw this rock at me!" she screeched at Arthur and Aragorn.

"Um...no?" said Arthur backing away from the old lady.

"Oh, ok," she said as she started up beating her cat against the wall again.

"Yo! Old lady! Do you know where we can buy a shrubbery?" asked Aragorn.

"We have no shrubberies here!" yelled the old lady as she threw her cat at Aragorn. The cat hit him in the face, and it scratched the hell out of his face.

Arthur stared blankely at his companion. Why would she throw a cat at him? Some people were just weird. He supposed that he ought to threaten this weird old lady to get the information of shrubbery whereabouts out of her.

"If you do not tell us where we can find a shrubbery, we will say Ni to you," said Arthur.

"Do your worst!" said the old lady scowling.

"Ok... NI!" said Arthur as the old lady fell to her knees on the ground.

"Why does that effect everyone here?" asked Aragorn who had removed the cat off his face. He now bore a lot of ugly and painful looking scratches on his neck and face.

"I don't know, but help me say Ni to this old lady," said Arthur. The old lady cringed further at the mention of the word.

"I will never tell you!" she screeched angrily.

"No," said Aragorn less enthusiastically than Arthur.

"No, no, no, it's Ni," said Arthur.

"Yeah, I know I just said no for the effect," said Aragorn.

"What effect?" asked Arthur.

"I don't know, you're the expert on these things apparently. Why don't you tell me?" retorted Aragorn.

"I don't care. Let's just Ni this old lady to death ok?" asked Arthur as he turned back to the old lady.

"Ni!" yelled Aragorn. The old lady was now lying in a ball on the ground.

"Ni, ni, ni , ni , ni!" said Arthur and Aragorn together. The old lady was no wailing in pain.

"Excuse me, but are you saying Ni to that old lady?" asked a voice from behind them.

"Who are you?" asked Arthur who had given up on the whole Ni thing.

"I am Roger the shrubber," replied the man. He was sitting in a cart pulled by 4 peasants.

"Ni!" yelled Aragorn at Roger. Roger gave him a strange look.

"No, don't say that to him. We need to buy a shrubbery from him," scolded Arthur. Aragorn gave him an evil look then shut up.

They ended up buying a beautiful shrubbery that wasn't too expensive of course.


	18. A Herring and some anchovies

A Herring and some anchovies

Aragorn and Arthur nearly ran back into the forest with their shrubbery. The quickly stopped before the knights of Ni and did a polite little bow before placing the shrubbery before their feet. The knights stared down at it in delight and decided to do a little dance around it, so they did. 10 minutes later they finished and stood before Aragorn and Arthur.

"We have one little problem," said the knight. "We are no longer the knights of ni."

"Eh?" asked Arthur and Aragorn in unisen.

"You heard me. We are now the knights of ecky ecky ecky picang zoom ping, er something like that anyway," said the knight who was very pleased with himself for some odd reason.

"Ok...you don't even know what you're the knights of?" asked Aragorn in alarm.

"Well, sorta. We kinda forgot the name after we made it up. We all have short term memory loss," explained the knight with a sad expression on his face.

"Ok, so what do we have to do now?" asked Arthur. A look of dread spread across his face.

"Well, you have to get another shrubbery for sure. I want to get that two level effect thing so we can make a path and crap like that you know? Then you need to cut down the tallest tree in the forest with a HERRING!" said the knight who was obviously trying to be scary, which really wasn't working.

"Don't you mean an anchovie?" asked Arthur.

"No, that wouldn't be fair," said the knight.

"What's the freaking difference?" asked Aragorn who was very irritating.

"Well, it's actually possible to cut down a tree with an anchovie, but no with a herring," said Arthur in a matter of fact tone.

"That's totally crazy!" exclaimed Aragorn. "What is wrong with you people?"

"Absoluteley nothing. The point is that cutting down a tree with a herring is impossible and I refuse to do it," said Arthur who was a little bit outraged that the stupid knights of whatever would ask him that.

"Don't say that word!" exclaimed the knight in terror.

"What? Is?" asked Arthur who was now a little amused.

"You wouldn't get very far in life not being able to say is!" exclaimed the knight in disgust.

"Then what is it?" asked Arthur.

"AHHH!" screamed the knight as he fell to the ground.

"It? Ha! Ha! What a loser!" exclaimed Arthur mockingly.

"It! It, it, it, it, it!" yelled Aragorn gleefully. This was the most fun he'd had in a long time. He was now thinking twice about going back to Middle Earth.

"Yo! Aragorn!" came a voice from behind them.

"Hey! Legolas what a suprise to see you," said Aragorn. Arthur turned around in pure horror to see his worst nightmare.

"Not you!" Arthur exclaimed panicked.

"Found anything in this forest?" Legolas asked as he gave the knights of whatever a weird look.

"Far from it," Aragorn said with a look of amusment toward the knights.

"Then, lets ditch this place. It's getting annoying," said Legolas making a gesture at the knights. When he said it they screamed in pain.

"Uhhh," started Legolas.

"Don't ask," said Aragorn as they headed out of the forest. "The grail is most certainly not here. Stupid old man from scene 24."


	19. Gandalf the Enchanter aka Tim

Gandalf the Enchanter, also known as Tim

Narrator: So anyway, this is what happens between this scene and the last. After Arthur and Aragorn met up with Legolas and Merry and Pippin and of course Gimli, which kind scared them cuz they thought they were the only people from Middle Earth in this insane world, but thats not the point. The point is, that they eventually met up with Jack and Frodo in some land that I can't quite remember because well, I just can't! Don't ask questions! So they waited in this land for many seasons. First it was summer, then it was fall, then it was winter, then it was spring, then it was summer, then it was fall, then it was winter, then all of a sudden it was fall. We don't know why. Anyway they one day came upon a man who was throwing fire everywhere. They were supposed to have found out from the old man from scene 24, but he wan't that helpful, actually he thought he was some kind of cool buisness man. So anyway here they are looking at this strange man.

"Who is that strange man?" asked Legolas nervously.

"He looks a lot like Gandalf," whispered Pippin into Arthur's ear. Arthur didn't care too much for this little one either. He was quite annoying and he was already getting himself into too much trouble. His little friend Merry wasn't too bad, but he wasn't much better either.

"Who is Gandalf?" asked Arthur a bit afraid to find out. If he was from Middle Earth he didn't want to know him.

"Gandalf is the coolest wizard eva! But he is sooo gay, it's not even funny," said Merry who had seemingly popped out of nowhere next to Arthur.

"How do you do that?" asked Arthur.

"Do what?" inquired Merry. He was quite the short little dude, maybe his shortness allowed him to dissappear.

"Actually, I think that is Gandalf," said Aragorn.

'Why are we still standing here?" asked Jack who was becoming annoyed by doing nothing. Jack always had to be doing something to be kept happy. Right now they were doing absolutely nothing, therefore Jack was not happy at all.

"I have no idea," said Arthur. He quickly ushered the group down a hill to where this 'Gandalf' was standing.

"Hi Gandalf!" yelled Gimli affectionatly toward the man. The man turned around and stared at him for a moment. He was wearing very large horns and was shooting fire out the end of his staff.

"Yo guys! Sup?" asked Gandalf as he walked over to them, shooting fire everywhere as he did this.

"How do you do that fire thing?" asked Arthur who was completely amazed.

"It's a secret," said Gandalf evilly.

"So, what is your purpose in this movie?" asked Aragorn casually.

"Well, my name isn't Gandalf in this place, it's Yim, I mean Tim," said Gandalf a.k.a Tim.

"Ok...Tim, do you know where we can find a grail?" asked Arthur timidly.

Gandalf a.k.a Tim suddenly began to randomly shoot fire at completely random places. "..."

Arthur stood there, kind of dumbstruck. Usually people answered him when he talked them. This guy was powerful, but he still should have shown some respect in Arthur's opinion. "We've been looking for it for a very long time."

"..." Tim/ Gandalf still didn't say anything.

"Any help would be helpful," added Pippin.

"Fool of a took," mumbled Jack.

"Mumbler!" exclaimed Merry.

"Bleh," said Jack misrably. Once again they were doing nothing. He was extrememly bored and was about to say something when Tim/ Gandalf threw fire in his general direction. "AHHHH! YOU OLD FREAK!"

"Yes, I can help you find the grail. You must go to the cave of Caebannog, but BEWARE! For only certain death awaits you there with big sharp, pointy teeth!" Tim/ Gandalf exclaimed menacingly.

"What an elaborate preformance," whispered Gimli to Legolas as Gandalf formed teeth with three of his fingers.

"Come! We must go! I don't know why! But we must!" exclaimed Tim/ Gandalf randomly.


	20. The Cave of Caerbannog

The Cave of Caerbannog

The party, along with Tim/ Gandalf traveled to the mouth of a cave that was emitting some steam. The cave seemed scary, but they couldn't seem to find the monster with sharp pointy teeth, so they frantically began to search for it, which is kind of stupid considering that it would kill them, but they're not too bright, especially not as a group.

"There it is!" cried Tim/ Gandalf. He was pointing to a cute, little, white bunny at the mouth of the cave.

"Psssh," said Legolas as he began to venture forth, but Tim/ Gandalf stopped him.

"There are fouler and darker things than orcs in the deep places of the world, er wait, wrong movie. Beware! He has a mean streak a mile wide!" Tim/ Gandalf cried.

"Yeah...right," said Legolas, but Tim/ Gandalf held him back.

"Er, maybe we should send one of our unlucky servants in," said Aragorn. He didn't realize that they had no servants.

"We don't have servants stupid!" exclaimed Merry. Suddenly, Legolas's minstrels appeared out of nowhere.

"Why don't we send them?" asked Legolas with an evil grin.

"Ok," said Arthur, gesturing for the minstrels to come over.

"Yes?" asked the main minstrel.

"I want you to go over and say hi to that cute bunny over there," said Legolas, pointing to the bunny.

"Right, ok," said the minstrel as he led his group over to the bunny, suddenly the bunny went out of control and flew through the air, biting the heads off of the unlucky minstrels.

"Serves em' right," commented Legolas as he chuckled ever so slightly.

"Yeah, but now we know that rabbit is evil," said Gimli who had taken an apparent facination in the rabbit.

"So, what should we do about it?" asked Merry nervously.

"We attack!" cried Aragorn as he charged at the rabbit. Everyone followed him, which was quite stupid. When they got half way there they realized what a stupid idea it was, and they all ran back to the safety of the rocks.

"I told you so," said Tim/ Gandalf as he walked away laughing.

"Freak," called Arthur after him. Tim/ Gandalf gave him a wave, then he dissappeard.

"I would like to know how he does that," said Aragorn staring at the spot where Tim/ Gandalf had just been.

"I know what we need! The holy hand grenade of antioch!" exclaimed Arthur proudly.

Ha! Ha! Cliff hanger! Sorry but that would ruin the next chapter if i countinued. I'll prolly just finish the next chapter in a few minutes anyway.


	21. The Holy Hand Grenade

The Holy Hand Grenade

"Yo! Brother dude! Can you bring down the holy hand grenade of antioch?" asked Arthur up to Brother Maynard (I seriously don't know how to spell that dudes name...please forgive me)

"Yeah, hold on," the brother called down. He beckoned for this other guy to follow him with a large book. "Ok, let me consult the book of armaments. Does anyone know what chapter the holy hand grenade is located in?" everybody shook their heads. "Ok, look in the table of contents."

"Book of armaments chapter, wait I can't read roman numerals. Nevermind, it says: Take the hand grenade and count to THREE. Yes, you heard me, three. No more, no less. If you count anymore you will die a slow and painful death, if you count less you will die a quicker death, but still painful. Once you have counted to THREE you will then cast the holy hand grenade at your foe! Then there was feasting on the breakfast ceareal, and the sheep, and the alligators, and the toothpaste, and the dogs, and the monkeys, and..." the brother said.

"That is enough man, I think we get the point," said Brother Maynard while shooing away the dude with the book.

"Ok, so I count to five..." started Arthur.

"Three sir," Legolas corrected him.

"Right, three. Ok...one, two ,five..." started Arthur as he held the hand grenade up in the air.

"Three sir!" squeaked Merry in terror.

"Oops, three," Arthur said as he cast the grenade at the rabbit. It hit the rabbit right on target and it blew it too tiny bits, which is mentioned in the movie in the book thinyg.

"Yay! The evil rabbit is dead!" cried Pippin as he did an Irish jig.

"Come, let us unter THE CAVE! Bum Bum Bum!" exclaimed Arthur to no one in particular.

"You don't actually say Bum Bum Bum," pointed out Aragorn.

"Well, I like to," said Arthur as he headed toward the cave. Once they had entered the cave they came upon a wall engraved with ruins.

"What does it say?" asked Legolas, prodding Gimli in the back.

"How am I supposed to know?" asked Gimli.

"Well, you speak dwarvish," said Legolas.

"Yeah, well that isn't dwarvish," retorted Gimli, he gave Legolas a smug look.

"Can anyone read this?" asked Aragorn. Everyone looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't read it and your a freaking brother?" asked Aragorn to Brother Maynard.

"What? It's not like I went to school or anything," he replied, shaking his head.

"I think I can improv. what it says," said Legolas coolly.

"Ok...fine. I guess that works too," said Arthur sarcastically. Of course Legolas took him litterally and began to improvise what it said.

"Ahem, ok, I believe it says: Congratulations! You have made it to this creepy cave, now you just have to cross an old bridge and go to a dumb castle. Have fun! You must also answer 3 questions from the old man from scene 24 to cross the said bridge. Then you will get to the castle Arrrghhh." said Legolas, he paused and looked up. Everyone was staring at him in disgust.

"The castle Arrrghh? What kind of crappy improv was that?" asked Arthur.

"What? It was the best I can do," said Legolas as he hung his head in embarrassment. Little did everyone know, that Legolas was indeed roughly correct. Suddenly they heard a roar from behind them.

"Shut up Gimli! You don't need to rub it in!" screamed Legolas at Gimli.

"That wasn't me!" said Gimli looking panicked. Up till now he had been observing the walls of the cave in a dwarvish way.

"Arrrghhh!" cried Pippin as he turned around to see what had made the noise.

"No, Legolas was wrong Pippin. Gosh don't you listen?" asked Aragorn haughtily.

"No, I mean Arrrghhh, as in an expression of fear," said Pippin. They all turned around to see none other than...

Mwahahahaha! Cliffhanger! And guess what! I'm not gonna update till tomorrow cuz my hands hurt...anyway have fun with all these chapters i have added.the writer


	22. Black Beast of Arrrghh: Shortest chappy

They all turned around to see...the balrog! Just kidding, It was actually the Black Beast of Arrrghhh dressed up as a balrog.

They however didn't know that it wasn't a balrog, so the remaining fellowship members took evasive action.

"AHHHHHH! Where the heck is Gandalf!" yelled Aragorn who was now running around in circles.

"Maybe we should shoot arrows at it!" exclaimed Legolas as he took out his bow and arrows.

"No! Only Gandalf can kill the Balrog!" yelled Merry who was now clinging to Pippin, who was now clinging to Gimli, who was now clinging to Frodo. All the while that they were fighting over what to do, the Black Beast of Arrrghhh was getting bored, so he ate Brother Maynard. He then realized that they were never going to stop fighting, so he casually walked away.

"That totally ruined the scene!" exclaimed Arthur angrily.

"Yeah...well, at least we won't get eaten by a scary monster," said Aragorn casually. Since there was really nothing left in this scene, the scene ended here, and considering this is the shortest chapter in the whole story, writer does a little dance I have reached my dream to write a freakishly short chapter in a long story. So I am sorry for the short chapter, but no one is reviewing, it seems pointless to continue writing. Oh well, I will no matter what.


	23. Author's Note

Author's Note: Just to let you all know, the chapters are going to start getting shorter, at least I think. There are only 5 chapters left of this story, and I'll probably finish them tonight. So I'm just telling everyone not to expect super long chapter, because I have other stories that I want to work on.


	24. The Bridge of not too much death

The Bridge of Death

The party came upon the bridge of death, after exiting the cave of Caerbannog after scaring away the Black Beast of Arrrghhh.

"So, who's gonna be the first to cross the bridge and answer the three questions?" asked Arthur with an evil look on his face.

"I guess I will," said Jack unenthusiastically. "I'll attack the old man from the north and..."

"No...all you have to do is answer the five..." started Arthur.

"Three," corrected Legolas happily. He now had a very big grin spread across his face. It had something to do with the fact that he had been proving Arthur wrong a lot lately.

"Right, answer the three questions," finished Arthur who was now glaring at Legolas.

"Ok, so all I have to do is answer some stupid questions?" asked Jack with one eyebrow raised.

"Yes, and we will wait here, and pray, and eat, and play cards, and do other amusing thigs," mused Arthur. He looked like he was talking to no one in particular.

"Well, I might as well get this over with," said Jack as he trudged away toward the bridge. When Jack came to the bridge he saw the man from scene 24.

"To cross this bridge you have to answer me these questions three, yo," said the old man who now had a very spiffy briefcase and suit.

"Yeah, yeah, ask me the freaking questions," said Jack boredly.

"What is your favorite song?" asked the old man.

"Eh? My favorite song? Well, if you have to know its "A Pirates Life for me". At least I think that's what its called," said Jack who was now thinking that this question thing wasn't such a bad thing.

"What is your name?" asked the old man.

"Captain Jack Sparrow," replied Jack, a little confused.

"What is your quest?" the old man asked.

"To loot, pillage, and destroy everything in my path, without killing a single person," replied Jack with a large smile on his face. He began to think back to his days on the Caribbean. He especially missed the "whelp". The blonde elf strangely resembled him, which made Jack feel more at home.

"Ok, you can pass," said the old man. "Be careful by the way!" he called after Jack, but by the time he said this, Jack had already crossed the bridge and was sitting on a rock at the other side. The others, seeing how easily Jack had passed, ran eagerly to the old man from scene 24.

"Ask me the questions! OOh pick me!" screamed Legolas happily.

"Fine," said the old man. "What is your name?"

"Legolas Greenleaf of the Woodland Realm," replied Legolas eagerly.

"What is your quest?" the old man asked.

"To help Frodo destroy the ring of power, and to defeat Sauron's armies," said Legolas proudly. It made him quite proud that he was helping Frodo destroy the ring of power.

"What is Sauron's middle name?" asked the old man with an evil grin on his face

"That's easy, his middle name is Miriam," replied Legolas.

"You may pass," said the old man gruffley. Frodo, Merry, Pippin, and Gimli were the next to walk up.

"Can I pass? I'm with the elf," said Gimli.

"Yeah," the old man replied. Gimli sprinted across the bridge toward Legolas.

"Ok, so can you ask us the questions already?" asked Frodo impatiently.

"What is your name?" asked the bridge keeper.

"Frodo Baggins of the Shire," replied Frodo.

"What is your quest?" asked the old man.

"To destroy the ring of power," replied Frodo sadly. It was such a burden. Stupid ring.

"What is your favorite color?" the old man asked.

"Blue," replied Frodo. Of course his favorite color was blue, it was after all the color of his gorgeous eyes.

"You can pass," said the old man boredly. "You guys too," he said pointing at Merry and Pippin.

"Thanks," they said in unisen as they followed Frodo across the bridge.

"I hate this job," said the old man as Arthur and Aragorn approached. "What is your name?"

"King Arthur," replied Arthur proudly.

"What is your quest?" asked the old man.

"I seek the holy grail," replied Arthur.

"What is the average air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?" asked the old man quickly.

"What do you mean? African or European?" asked Arthur.

"I don't know that!" yelled the old man as he went flying into the gorge underneath the bridge of death. Arthur and Aragorn gave the bridge one last frightened look, then crossed it.


	25. The Castle er more the boat ride Arrghhh

Ok guys...Since I got some much needed inspiration from some reviewers, I am going to continue writing this story. It only has a few more chapters left, but I'll try to make them longer. For all of you that wanted me to put in Merry and Pippin, I hope that you like the way I added them in. Anway since I have some time this morning I'll try to write some longer chapters. Thanks for your reviews. Ladyofthewoodhomiefoo

The Castle of Arrrghhh

"Hey guys!" called Aragorn from the middle of the bridge. He was about to take another step, when Arthur started to swing the bridge rapidly back and forth. "AHHHHH! Help me!"

"Mwahahahahaha!" laughed Arthur as he rocked even harder. He was hardley worried about himself, he could hold on to the sides, since he knew what was coming next. He did not know, however, that Aragorn had also begun to rock the bridge rapidly.

"Take that you lazy king!" screamed Aragorn manically. He slowly advaced toward Arthur. All he had to do was make it to the other side.

"Why don't you just let go and make it easier on all of us?" asked Arthur as Aragorn passed him on the bridge.

"How bout I don't and you shut up," called Aragorn over his shoulder as he hit the other side of the bridge. Seeing that Aragorn was off the bridge, Arthur hurridly ran across the bridge to meet the rest of his party.

"Dude...that was super lame," said Legolas, giving Arthur a hand off the bridge.

"Yeah, I was just expressing my feelings," replied Arthur, looking at the ground.

"Expressing? Don't you mean becoming rabid?" asked Aragorn who was still a little bit in shock from all the rocking. "Maybe you should go to the therapy."

"Is that a threat?" asked Arthur, his eyes narrowing.

"No, no, not at all," said Aragorn with a cheesy smile.

"Right, anyways we should get heading to that castle," said Merry who didn't really want to have any fighting amongst the group today.

"Yeah, whatever," whispered Arthur who was now very irritated with that stupid Aragorn dude. They walked over many hills for a long time calling out the name Lancelot for some reason. Arthur had suggested that they stop, but the group was having too much fun. They eventually came upon the ocean.

"Are we taking the ship to the grey havens?" asked Frodo eagerly.

"What is it with you and that place?" asked Legolas curiously.

"I don't really know, it was supposed to be one of my lines in those cheesy cartoon Lord of the Rings movies," replied Frodo who had now totally given up all hope of his secret obessesion with the grey havens. Suddenly the sea horse boat from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory rolled up to the sandy beach.

"How ironic," murmured Jack as he observed the boat, I mean ship.

"What do you mean ironic?" asked Pippin, his eyes narrowing.

"Why do you care?" retorted Jack quickly.

"I don't really," replied Pippin as he jumped into the boat. The rest oft he group followed him. Soon they were off riding a pink sea horse boat toward a very large and facinating castle.

"Are we there yet?" asked Aragorn while poking Arthur.

"No, and for your own good I wouldn't aske that question again," replied Arthur, batting Aragorn's hand away.

"Ok...Art thou therest yet?" asked Aragorn. He always found a loophole.

"No! Stop asking in your various languages and crap like that!" yelled Arthur angrily.

"Fine," sniffed Aragorn as he got up and sat at the other end of the boat. They suddenly reached the shore of an island that had not been there before, and there was a castle that had most certainly been on the mainland before, but none of them cared, all they wanted to do was find the holy grail.


	26. The Holy Grail and Mount Doom

The Holy Grail and Mount Doom.

They slowly got out of the boat, a little in frightened that islands popped out of nowhere, and castle moved themselves.

"Uh...do you think the grail is in there? Or in the scary volcano?" asked Gimli timidly.

"The castle duh!" exclaimed Pippin.

"This is where my quest ends with you," said Frodo who everyone had basically been ignoring until this point.

"Why!" exclaimed the fellowship, er part of the fellowship.

"Because, that mountain over there is Mount Doom and I have to throw the ring of power into it," replied Frodo as he began to walk toward Mount Doom.

"Good luck Frodo!" everyone yelled, before returning to their quest for the holy grail and some other stuff. They walked up to the gates of the castle and called up to one of the open windows.

"Is anyone there?" asked Arthur.

"Go away you english freaks!" came the Frenchman's voice.

"That dude is freaking everywhere!" exclaimed Legolas.

"Yes, I am. This is my grail, so go away," the Frenchman replied to Legolas, while sticking his tounge out at him.

"We were sent by God! You know, to get the grail, set an example. All that kind of crap. Could you just toss us the grail? asked Arthur. He didn't really have time to argue with this dude.

"Um...let me think...no!" yelled the Frenchman.

"Please, or else your little island will be covered in lava!" retorted Pippin as he made a gesture toward Mount Doom, in which Frodo had safely entered. with the exception of a little attack from Gollum, but other than that he was pretty safe and he had just dropped in the ring of power. The whole island began to shake.

"Crap...Well, you're island is going to be destroyed anyway, so how bout tossing us that grail?" asked Legolas casually.

"Never!" yelled the Frenchman as he cackled evilly. Frodo came running out of Mount Doom at full speed, almost tackeling his former party.

"Hey guys, I destroyed the ring. What did I miss?" he asked a little out of breath.

"Joe Mamma!" exclaimed the Frenchman.

"Why is he back?" asked Frodo, making a rude gesture at the Frenchman in response to his comment.

"I don't know, but Jack, it's time for you to loot, pillage, and burn this castle," said Arthur who didn't care what kind of mission this was, he was ready for some pirate action.

"I can pillage and loot, but I can't exactly burn a castle, also the lava is about to do that," replied Jack as he ran into the castle. A few moments later he came out witht he grail.

"That didn't take long," replied Arthur while smugly looking up at the castle.

"Pirate," Jack replied after shoving the grail into Arthur's arms.

"What the hell are we going to do with our army though?" asked Aragorn who was pointing to the army of Gondor who had just appeared out of nowhere.

"Let's prepare to attack," replied Pippin.

"Attack what?" asked Aragorn giving Pippin a look of "you're stupid, do you know that?"


	27. Prepare to attack the lava

Prepare to Attack the Lava

Aragorn ran out to his army that was randomly standing on the shore of the inland.

"Yo! You guys! You're going to attack that lava over there...ok?" asked Aragorn as he pointed to the ever advancing lava flow. Meanwhile the rest of his little party was being helicoptered to safety. "I gotta go now, have fun now!" he exclaimed before being picked up by the helicopter.

They watched as they army attacked the on coming lava. The little figures below were slowly reduced to nothing by the hot flames and lava and crap.

"Ha! That's hilarious!" yelled Jack as he snatched the grail from Arthur's grip. "It really isn't that pretty." Suddenly the grail fell from his grasp, and flew out of the helicopter, landing with a sickening thud and shattering into a million pieces.

"Well, that whole quest was completely pointless," said Aragorn, reclining in his seat.

"Well, I guess I'll just kill myself now," replied Arthur as he made an attempt to jump out of the helicopter.

"Not so fast. We're gonna go back to Middle Earth and party forever, we don't want you to miss out on that," said Aragorn as he grabbed hold of Arthur's arm and pulled him back into the helicopter. Jack snatched Arthur's crown and put it on his head, suddenly the crown went flying out the door of the helicopter. "Shit..."

Fin...

Wait! It's not over! One more chapter.


	28. The end of story: End titles

End Credits:

Writer: This is the end of this lovely story I hope you all enjoyed it...maybe one day I'll write a sequal to it, Review me your requests or else I will not write it, partly cuz I have other stories to write. Anyway Thank you to all of you reviewers who stuck with me this whole time! Thanks to all my friends who were really encouraging while I was writing this story...Check out some of my up coming stories!


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